Self Declaration for Friends

Dear friends,

If you have found this blog and read all of the previous entries, you might find out that I have been grumbling about many things. I grumbled a lot about the irresponsible officer, the fake promises, and there were times I were grumbling about you guys too.

Frankly speaking, I have been thinking about deleting such entries. There are times I feel like I should edit all of the previous post. But I didn't. What if you have read it before I delete it? Won't it be just like trying to erase what that have been written by a pen? Won't you see me as more of a hypocrite?

But do you know why I want to delete such entries? It is because that is not how I view you now. The old entries were what I thought of you guys at that particular time. I'm sorry. I'm born not to be always right, and about you guys, I must admit that I were wrong. You guys are none of what I've thought before.

I am sorry. That was what I thought, but it is definitely not what I am thinking about you guys now. I am sorry. Please clarify. Please stop the distancing.

I am sorry.

I am sorry.

I am sorry.

I take the distancing as a punishment for my previous judgmental opinion. I have no right to ask you to stop running away. No, I am not asking or ordering. I am begging.

Please

I am sorry.

Bringing Back The Bookworm in Me

For me, reading had been a long forgotten passion. The last book that I really enjoy reading is A Doctor in The House by Tun Mahathir Mohamad. And that was 2 years ago! I used to be able to spend hours reading. Back in my school years, I usually had lunch with a book in my other hand. Now, I dine while watching movies. LOLS ! I have become someone so shallow that my 17 years old me once vowed not to be. And the worse thing is, I have stopped reading daily newspapers since I started degree! 

So I have been thinking about this for quite a while until this morning where it struck me that

I couldn't continue being like this !!!!!!

They say the soul who stop reading is a dead soul. I guess it is true and I guess it is now the time to make a change. So the plan is I will start blogging about the book I read.

1 book a day. 

Longest Entry Ever !

I have never been slim in my whole life. Most of the times, I would be struggling to keep my BMI in the normal range and it was during the last 2 years of my secondary school that I failed miserably to do so. I reached my highest weight in form 5, 79 kg for a teenage Asian girl with only 159 cm height. Man, I was so huge, I couldn’t even fit into my dad’s uniform! But, I’ve got my parents to comfort me;

“You’re not fat. You’ve just got a big frame. My late grandma was like you too. Perhaps, you have got her gene”

And all my lives, I keep believing that I am born to be this way. After all, they say body’s size will not hold you from success as long as you keep believing in yourself. But, maintaining such a positive insight when you couldn’t do many normal physical things was never easy. However, form 5 never hurt my self-confidence as much as the following days after SPM did. I were the top student who have been getting straight As since the very first exam and who went on to become the only Malay in my district who got straight As in SPM, I were the sharp English debater whom the teachers always avoided to punish even though I really did not mind them doing so if I am guilty (just that you know, its’ hard to prove that I’m guilty unless you’ve got reliable living witness’ testament and solid evidence. LOLS), and they made me Head Girl and President of Red Crescent and Vice President of Chess Club. So I thought, this people really believe in me. I am capable. I don’t need to slim down just to get their trust. 

After SPM, my parents sent me for driving classes. That was when the first mental torture begin, I was scolded and humiliated like a primary kid. Something that nobody ever did to me for all my lives. Not even when I was in primary! And unlike the many other times where I could retort back spontaneously, I were silent. I fought back my tears and just continue the class. I couldn’t find a solid argument to fight back because all he was saying about my body size is true. Later I found out that my friend who was attended by the same instructor was never been even yelled at. You might say that “you might be a lousy driver”. Well, I passed my driving test on my first trial and that friend of mine failed. I brushed off all those assumptions of “He hate me. He hate me just because I am fat”, thinking that he just want to provoke the best out of me. But really, some of his mental tortures and yells are something that I couldn’t even bring my fingers to type.

After SPM’s result was out, I was sent to a National Service camp in Wang Kelian, Perlis. The camp was on the top of a hill that we were transferred from the bus who picked us up from the gathering place to a military truck in order to reach that camp because the road there was too haphazard. One of the guy who picked my luggage be like; “No wonder your bag is so big. It follows its’ owner’s size”. There, we were weighed once again. I were 75.6 kg. Still, first class obesity. But all of the instructors and friends there are very kind except for the first girl who sit beside me on the bus. I didn’t stayed long at the camp as I’ve got too many scholarships’ interviews that require me to fly to KL, Selangor and Penang. UM, MayBank, JPA, MARA, IPG, and the numbers of days I need to excuse myself from the camp exceeded the maximum 14 days of absents. So, I was asked to postpone my training. Yes, that is only 5 interviews. But, there is not only one stage for each interview. And the case with my camp which is very close to the Thailand’s border, the only communication available is through fax machine. I need to go home just to do the online examination.

However, I learnt a lot of fitness tips during my 2 weeks there. I learnt planking, push-ups, pull-ups, squats, and many other things a kampung girl would never know. So, I practiced them all at home. By the time I started at UCSI under MARA scholarship in June 2014, I weighed 71.8 kg. But still, I were that fat and dark Kedah’s girl. You see, one thing about a Cancer (zodiac) people like me, we sensed emotions exceptionally well. And in my case, I could see how the first 3 out of the 4 seniors we met for the orientation purposes do not really like me. Yeah I know…

“That’s just your feelings!” 

It is not just a feeling when you went to the washroom to wash your hands, and there was only you and a senior in there, and you asked her how to turn on the tap but she did not replied and just rushed out. It hurts.

I tried to be kind to some people, but obviously they just didn’t like it. I don’t know. It is hard to accept that you are so worthless that some people don’t even want your kindness. I ate a lot to satisfy myself and also to follow my mother’s advice of; “You don’t know how to cook. So, eat a lot once you went to the eateries. Remember to eat lots of rice too, it is more fulfilling. It will be troublesome if you get hungry during the night time when all of the stalls are closed” By the time I finished my first semester in August 2014, I weighed 76 kg! I went home feeling stressed. And there is this one friend of mine back in my hometown who could not stopped taking my picture. I thought she was being nice and sweet. It was only later that I found out how she and some of our friends are laughing like crazy at my pictures. It was that time that I started to hate camera.

September 2014, I was still 76 kg. It was also the semester where our YPPB’s scholars friends registered in. I met one of them who went on to be the most harsh but kind-hearted good male friend of mine. We went for a lunch at the newly opened Subway restaurant, and he openly told me to lose my weight. Yes you get it right. He didn’t throw cynics, he didn’t deserted me, he just sit and sincerely say “I think you need to lose weight if you want to keep that boyfriend of yours. If you keep on being like this, he will definitely ditched you. Why don’t you started by eating less rice and more protein?” So, the serious conversation rolled in and I tried his advice, although Norish would keep telling me to eat more rice every time we went to Inna, LOLS! But, his advices seems to work well. By December 2014, I weighed 69 kg. That was quite an achievement!

During the September 2014 semester too, I have a bickering with our director of sponsored students’ team. Actually, there is something between me and him that none of my friends know. I must admit, other than the scholarships’ issues, I do have a prejudice against him. He indirectly told me I am ugly. He looked at my mother’s picture in her Identification Card’s copy which I attached in the scholarship’s contract, and said “How come your mother are quite nice looking while you are…” He did not finished his sentence. But, of course we all know that “extremely good looking” really did not fits the end of the sentence well. So yeah, I hated him for telling me I am ugly in front of Norish (although I didn't know she heard it or not as she has an amazingly rigid stony face). I mean like, you can condemn me for being fat as I am the one choosing not to take care of my diet, but you can’t call me ugly! I didn’t choose to look the way I look! And that is when this old man who is older than my father tops my list of “The Most Hated Person in My Life”. Being someone who could still vividly recall the moment my Year 6 Math teacher hit me for something I didn’t do, I bet this officer and his words would remain in my memory forever. And as much as I tried not to care, the words keep lingering in my minds, making me more timid and shy than ever. I feel like I have failed my mother for not being as beautiful as she is. I am her only daughter yet I look worse than my brothers are. At that time, I couldn’t help hating myself more than I hate this officer.

                January 2015, I stayed at library most of the time because I want to get the highest GPA possible to smack that officer right on the face. LOLS! It was a joke. I won’t do that. But really, I want to prove to him that I am not a nobody. I studied most of the times, I forgot to eat. And unless Norish be urging me, I might not eat for the entire day. Thanks God I have got her as my roommate. Nearing the end of the semester, I could no longer wear my old pants because they would all fall off. So April 2015, I am 62 kg ! And my GPA for that semester is 3.88. It was not a revenge or anything, I just want that officer to know that not all fat people are lazy. I remembered he pointed to me and say
"There was one JPA girl who got warning letter for her poor result. She is as fat as you are"

Back in the village, I exercised regularly and right before I went for ASEAN Ted Talks on May of that year, I was 59 kg! However, I realised that my self-confidence did not increase as much as the decrease in my weight. I no longer know how to strike up a conversation. And by the times someone tried to approach me, I was unable to keep on the conversation. Especially if I caught them having their eyes on my body instead of my face during the first “Hi!” It feels like they are judging me. And I would be going to the toilet again to check whether I looked too fat in the full suit! I became reclusive and anxious.

                But I know I couldn’t stay this way. A kind friend is now distancing herself. Knowing her well, I know she is the type who does not like to be attached. So if she is now distancing herself from me, that means I have turned into a clingy jerk. I don’t blame her. I too used to hate clingy people when I was at the top of my school before. Just that now, I’m at the bottom. So, it’s time to get a grip. I am planning to lose some 5 kg more during this semester break, improve my communication skills and English pronunciations, and be active! I never ran in a marathon, I never even participated in my school’s cross-country event. LOLS! But the idea has been fascinating me for quite a while now. Seeing Arlene going on the podium sends electric pulses throughout my whole body. So, yeah, I guess I will start running!  

We have been friends for 10 years and I have spent the previous 8 years falling for you. You're a very nice guy, you have been nice with all the girls in the school. In facts, I think you have been acting sweet and charming with all the girls you have met that sometimes I couldn't stop pondering how many more girls had been trapped by your charms and ended up like me.

Many of us might have experience how hard it feels to make a choice in life. We travel along this path named life, having to decide on almost everything from what to eat to what we want to be in the future. Career, lifestyles, studies; these are the things that we always have to choose. And speaking about life, there exists such things as white and black. But, they are not the only things. Sometimes, yet most of the times, grey would be stuck in the middle. Having no boundaries, only your choice could determine how much of the black territories that the grey is taking and otherwise. That is how hard making decision is.

But, do you know that it is harder when you have no choice? No black or white or grey or any other intermediaries colors from that stupid turquoise to the infamous magenta who always annoy the hell out of you every time you asked your friends to help buying the blue and red wrapping papers. Do you know how I wish this feeling could fade as time goes by ? Yet, it is getting stronger no matter how hard I try.

I threw away all the things you gave me, I deleted the only picture of us back in our Form 2, I went on from the secluded me to some other person who jokes around and teases people. I want to forget you. I really do.

And then, you came back. Travelling far with heavy luggage and humongous backpack. Got down at LRT Cheras, fooled by the taxi's driver who sent you to my condo's back gate. It was pouring heavily when you arrived at the guardhouse there, where the guards won't let you in. So, again, carrying the luggage, you went climbing the stairs beside to get to the front door.

I tried to act cool. Pretending like you're a kind old friend who came to visit. Everything went normal until that time when I bid you farewell. Watching you running under the rain beside the McD with the bag raised high under your head, I felt a sharp feeling of pain. Like I'm losing something inside myself. I never felt that way. You know, that feeling like your heart is dropping, pulling together all the organs inside your peritoneum cavity down to the abdominopelvic.

Couldn't you just let me to be at peace?
Why did every time I am happy with my life, you need to come haunting like a ghost from the past? Why did every time your image is fading, you would come paying me a visit?

Stop coming back. You don't know how does it feels dating someone who always have his eyes on your prettier best friends. You don't know how does it feels when he always find better, prettier girls to be with and only when he is bored, he came back to you ! You know how does it feels to always be the last choice on his list?

You hated him so much yet you hate yourself more for not being able to delete him off your history.

You have been tough all your life.

You have been strong all your life.

I Just Want to Sleep

Tonight is just like all of the previous nights where I stared at the blank wall while rolling relentlessly on my bed, waiting for sleeps to come. It had been almost a month now that I couldn't fall asleep. It is strange for me to admit this. Because, previously I were that type of person who could just fall asleep once my head touch the pillow. I sleep less than 5 hours nowadays and I couldn't even sleep for more than an hour during the day time without being awake even before the alarm rings. I'm forcing myself to sleep so hard that I could feel the pressures on my eyes. What is wrong with me actually?

I can't sleep, so I stop thinking. I can't sleep, so I stop hoping.
I can't sleep, so I stop imagining.

I've quit all.
I've only got my life left.

You don't want that, don't you?
Because trust me. Nobody wants a life without its soul.

Mine was already lost long times ago. The time when I signed the contract.

Hell no. I NEED TO STOP THINKING.

A Letter to My Future Self

Dear Zaihan in the future,

When you are reading this, it is most probably that you are facing the frequent hard days of a pharmacy's student. You might be feeling so tired and tensed up that all you want to to do is quitting your study. You might start to blame all the people who had not been supportive of you getting into law school before. You might start regretting your choice of study. You might feel guilty that you turned down the chance of leaving that you are now stuck in there. But, every time, every single time you are feeling like this, please do remember that ;

• You are the one deciding to stay there when you have got all the chances to leave. You are never brave enough to take a risk. You are the one too much of a coward that you are afraid to study a field you know would not guarantee you a cash rewarding career. Serve yourself right, chicken ! 
• Nothing is easy in this world. Do you think that with such a weak heart and passive attitude of yours, you are going to prevail in law school? Never ! Never ever think that you are going to do better elsewhere when you could not afford that even in here! Weaklings can't win! You are weak! Deal with your weakness and stop blaming the world for your failure! 
• Remember the way you are being treated all this while. People look at you as though you are the dirt on their shoes. They belittle you. They make fun of you. They never listen to what you have got to say. They always find your fault ! You are nothing ! Now, wake up, and prove it to them that you've got something so powerful in you, and that is the power of will ! You can't back off ! 
• Stop complaining ! Complains won't solve anything ! All those stupid lousy troublesome officers would still be there no matter how hard you bark at them. Trust me, if you want to change the system, you need to change yourself first. They're not going to listen to a kid no matter how right your words are. Prove it to them that your capability worth more than their responsibility which they always fail to carry out. 

You alone know that it is never going to be easy by the time you choose to be there. You made that decision and stick by that. You are always so proud to be a Malay Kedahan, then you should know that Kedahans never take their words back.

Stand Tall!

Stay Firm!

And, Prevails! Just Prevails !

ascsdaffa

Do you remember when I used to yell so loud at you? I threw away your things and deleted everything that could remind me of you.

Soon after, I started to miss you. Your voice, your texts, your presence seemed impossible to be threw away. I started feeling so guilty. I missed you so much.

But, you really dumped me. You found a new girl. Every time I saw you, she would be around. You even made sure that I would be seeing it when you are with her. Do you know how painful it was for me? I could feel my heart being pricked again and again. I tried not to feel anything but every time no one is watching, I would be crying. For the first time in my life, I learn the painful lessons of a broken heart.

I told myself that I need to forget you.

I need to be on my own.

After all, you were no longer there for me.

Years went on. I were close with most of my males friends. Simply because I like the no-fussy attitudes of them. Though some might assume that I am that desperate of boys.

Then one day, I looked up and there you are, a bag in your hand under the pouring rain. I gave you my umbrella, but you said you don't need it.

We went for a late lunch together. I waited for you to tell me why you were there. But you did not. And then I sent you off to the bus stop. You did not allow me to go further because it was raining. I watched you running under the rain with that bag covering your head and I swear that was the second time I fell in love. The first was when I saw you walking back from the bookstore, 7 years ago.

You have no idea what I have been through without you.
And I have no idea what you have been through without me.
I just want to love you again.
I want to feel the old eager feelings of waiting for your calls.
I want to be able to talk with you for hours.
I want to call you all those weird stupid names.
I want to freely express all those troubling thoughts inside me to you.
I want to love you. I really do.
But the old feelings won't come back.

I know this must end some days. We could not continue texting each other with dry languages and pretend like we care about each other.

I don't want to lose you. I love you. But, why does it feels so wrong?

Nerdy Reponds

I hate it when people are belittling me. I know that sounds so arrogant but as far as I could remember, I have never belittle anyone else either (unless they're the lazy, incompetent, hypocrite, irresponsible officers who troubled me). So, yeah, I am expected to be treated the way I treat people.

I hate it most when people are poking fun at the way I study. I mean like, for God sake, does it hurts your eyes to see me making my own notes? Do you need to be like;

"Why are you making the notes? Haven't you heard the lecturers telling us that they're not going to ask what's not in their slides? And it is just the beginning of the semester, why are you being so nerdy?"

The reason I need to make notes earlier is because I'm not as genius as you are *rolling eyes. I lost interest easily. And if I don't feel like studying, I won't even touch the books although the finals would be on the next day (that happened during my General Biology 2 final exam).

Furthermore, as far as I am concern, the purpose of studying is to gather knowledge. Not to test your ability in answering questions. Won't it be kinda a waste of time if you spend years in college just to pass exams without having any idea on what you are learning? Real world would not give you papers to fill in what you know in a given period of time, you need to practice it everyday for the rest of your life!

And people have different way of learning. If you are entitled the right to call me "Nerd" because I make my own notes, won't it make you a "Nerd" too for having a 100% attendance? Won't it make you a "Nerd" too for cramming a night before exams? Won't it make you a "Nerd" too for not participating in any extra activities? No?

I am tired of being silent. But, I am tired too of you sulking like retarded young adult every time I respond at your insults.

Why I don't Watch Koreans

I am an avid fan of Hong Kong TVB drama series. I waste most of my times watching the series online whenever I don't feel like studying (which means most of the times I have). I could even finish a whole series in 3 days by watching it from 7 am until 3 am. In other words, I am as much of a fanatic as those Korean lovers. I have a crush on Raymond Lam since I was in lower secondaries and I am very much into Kenneth Ma. Besides, I have always think that Linda Chung has everything a girl could only wish to have. 

I have also tried to watch Korean dramas before because someone persuaded me to. But, I really could not find the same feelings I have for TVB dramas. I don't like their voices and the way they pronounce words and I don't find their actors attractive at all. Please don't get me wrong, Koreans' males are definitely cute and adorable. But, I do find the idea of a male being "cute and adorable" as something quite peculiar and even if I have got kids of my own, I really don't want them to have a "cute and adorable" father. What I am trying to say is, could you imagine girls be like;

"Wei, tadi tu ayah kau ek?" 

"Ha'ah. Kenapa?"

"Comel sangat. Jambu gitu"

Like OMAIGOSHHHH, it sounds so wrong. 

Hurms

You bow while they wave,

You nod when they smile,

You look at the ground while they gazed at the sky,

And there they are, sneering at you ; “You should go out more. Socialize more. Stop living in a cocoon”

I ponder at all the events I’ve participated; nationals and states. I’ve even dine with some top government ministers. And then I realized, how the level of relationship nowadays had dropped to quantities not qualities. Socializing is now all about having a battalion of comrades to escort you in and out of classes. And being up to dates meaning you need to let go your cultures and identities. They say religion is more important than race; thus all the Malays are becoming more Arab than the Arabs themselves.

I am confused. Do you need to become an Arab in order to be a good Muslim? I thought race does not matters?

It is now easier to see people wearing “jubah” or “abaya” rather than “baju kurung”. The males say “jubah” are preferable because the Arabs wear them; yet most of the males never pull on any “jubah”. Ah, don’t you know? Clothes etiquette are only applicable to women? That is why a male wrestler in such a small piece of boxer is welcomed with cheers but female gymnasts would never be treated the same.

Perhaps, it is time to change.

Perhaps, it is time to stop judging.

Perhaps, it is time to stop telling people how to live their life.

Especially, when you yourselves have not done well with yours.

Unconscious Bias

Dear sisters and brothers, citizens of the same planet earth. Thank you for making my introduction sounds so lame. =="

Have you ever feel the feeling of caring so much for a person that never seems to care?

Because I did. Yeah, I did. How else do you think I become this emotionless when it comes to human - human relationship ; be it friendship, love or even distant family members? 

I do believe that this so called unconscious bias exists. Somebody is going to favor you for some reasons, and somebody else might be hating you for the exact same reasons. Even you yourself might unconsciously prefer and dislike someone for how they look, behave, speak, etc.

Why does this happens? Is it true that everyone is born with the sense of prejudice? How does the word "judgmental" first entered our dictionary? Who created it? Is it natural to love someone for his physical or personality? Is it natural to avoid being close with someone although he or she did you no sins? 

We know that it is wrong to be judgmental, yet we all are. 

I never know that judgmental could cause so much pain.

Not until I am the one drowned in disdain.

Judgmental means bias. The case is whether you are fully conscious with it or not. It has something to do with the concept of perception and familiarity. Everyone of us grow up in different environment. Be it materially or culturally. We develop different senses of morality.

Some of us might consider it is a norm to speak harshly while some might not. 

Some might think that cursing implies a very bad image of one's upbringing while the others might have all-curses-available in their daily conversations.

Some might find it is normal to borrow a friend's money when others are taught to never put money in the lines of friendship.

And I would never know that some people use "aku - hang" or "aku - kau" with their parents and never find it is rude to do so. Because in my family, using the pronoun "aku" with any of the family members, older or younger, would earns you a smack on the hand.

When we go to the outside world and meet people we have never met before, this difference in moral senses would cause the uncomfortable feelings thus triggering our mind to warn the body not to be close with that particular person. It might not be as natural as our afferent, efferent or inter neurons in the case of reflex,but it is what stored in the brain. It is a complex relation of neocortex which stored our previous encounters and experiences with the lymphatic brain that controls the feelings. And as much as we can't control our adrenal glands when a dog is chasing us with its scary sharp teeth, so couldn't we when it comes to building first perception. 

Now, if you can't control yourself from being judgmental then what should you do? Just keep it in your mind. Make sure you don't show it to that person. You know how hard it is to act normal in front of a person who is clearly hinting that he dislikes you? You know how painful it is to stand his gaze, his smirks, his words? Especially when you first have a very good expectation of him. 

You know. It is okay not to like the loud people. It is fine to stay away from those who like to curse. It is normal to avoid being close with clingy people. In your personal dictionary of morality and etiquette, they might be bad. But, no matter how bad someone is, everyone is born good at something. And who knows, you are going to need her help one day? 

Who knows that the clingy juniors you hated for always tailing you around would be voting to have you stay when the others did not? 

Who knows that the loud friend you stay-way-from for always criticizing and complaining would be the one standing, proudly fighting the world for you? 

Who knows that the trouble-maker, the school's hooligan you once discriminated against would be the one to first offer help when you are at the lowest point of your life? 

Who knows that the nerd looking boy in your class who always scare the hell out of you that you would rather skip class than sitting next to him would be the one helping to get back your hacked Facebook account? 

Who knows that the boy you called "fatso" would be the one donating his blood to you. 

We do not know. Nobody knows what future holds. 

It is okay to have perceptions.  

Just don't let your perceptions control your emotion and influence your action.

It okay to have unconscious bias.
But, try not to consciously demonstrate to people how contempt you feel about them.

Never hurt the feeling of innocent people. The wheel is always rotating and you might end up in  their place someday. 

So, just be kind. Always. 

p/s: All the events mentioned in this post is my own experience. Sometimes I am the one hating, some other times I am the one hated. You may start to classify them all. *winks 

Money $$$

Life had been going on very slowly after I finished my foundation. Speaking about my pre-university study, Alhamdulillah I passed the minimum CGPA required to get into the pharmacy degree. Next week would be the interview session. I am really praying that I would get it because frankly speaking, there is no where else I could go to. 

Most of the times, I am expecting a peaceful degree life, that everything would go on well, that I could spend everyday studying and lazying around. But, I know that it would never be such things. There would be frequent calls and emails to first get the allowances. What freaking me much is what if the same thing happened during foundation would repeat itself during degree? What if we are not allowed to sit for final? Or what if we need to pay the fee ourselves first? How could I even afford it? Couldn't I just stop bringing troubles to my family *sighhh

I thought I have land myself in a comfortable situation with a scholarship's contract. Never would I have known that this contract could tie me to the ground someday, the days when I feel like flying and soaring high. 

I hate to make my parents worry about me.

Some people do not understand this. 

They think I am money oriented. 

That a check worth only 2k could send me shouting at someone old enough to be my grandfather. 

Those who grow up with me would know that I would not let mostly everyone to buy me foods. I don't take presents during my birthday. I insisted to pay for that one bite of food from their plate. 

I grow up, firmly believed that once you owe someone, you are going to feel indebted to him or her forever. That, this later could cost you your just personality. 

I don't take people's money. 

I might be poor. But, not in term of dignity. 

I am just fighting for my right. For what I had been promised. 

I just want everyone to do their job responsibly. How hard could that be? After all, you are going to be answering Him someday. 

I don't take people's money. But, it does not mean money is of no importance to me. I just want enough. Those who had been my students would know that I would only impose fee on them when I am really broke. 

I need money for food. I need money for assurance. I need my own money because I don't want to continue being a burden. 

I thought a scholar could give me money.

And giving money they did. Only that you need to beg shamelessly until you finally give up and call your parents. AGAIN.. 

I am not that money-craze. I never dream of being rich pun. I just want to study, do charity works and make my parents happy. But, how can I do that when every single time, there would be problems in either allowances or payment of fees? 

And, people would just be "Chillaxx... just money issue.. no need to be that mad.."

Stop Fighting Inside Me !

Salam'alaik.

One wise man used to tell me that those in their teenage years should fail as much as possible so that they could learn humongous lessons as preparation before getting into the 20's.

I am really afraid now because I don't think I have failed enough and I don't think I am well prepared to turn 20 next year.

And I know why I haven't failed enough. It is not because I am lucky. It is because I tried too little and I hoped too low.

Expectations hurts.
Passion kills.

And they said one could only die once.
What a joke.

Weirdness Overload

Why are you even here?

when everything fails to cheer,

and everyone feels like stranger,

that no matter how hard you try to be closer,

the difference just push you farther.

Sometimes you look back at the good old days,

of the days you spent fooling around,

learning, opposing and reasoning, 

of the real word that is very exciting,

instead of the in-class boring learning,

where the bureaucracy forbids you from saying anything, 

that if you says, you are rebelling. 

Some days you create troubles purposely,

so that life would feel more risky,
and that the risks taken could redeem your lost dignity, 

every minor thing had been taken seriously, 

just so the words you kept could be utter freely,

everyone said you are being crazy,

of going against someone with proven credibility,

but you know that when dealing with such irresponsibility,

being silent would only bring back the misery, 

the sadness of waking up from dream into reality, 

the realization of "No, you could not be the fighter you want to be". 

So you build the wall in your heart,

pushing away the feeling that feels so hard, 

of burning away the passion that keeps haunting,

the passion that keeps you alive that you are now dying,

the vivid old dream that is now disappearing, 

the dignified you that is now so clingy and devastating. 

the old you that is now changing, 

bringing the new you that could not stop apologizing, 

as you are hurt too much to afford hurting, 

anyone around, though they might keep thinking,

why you kept saying 'sorry' more than everything. 

"Weird" you might be,

"odd" people might say,

but as troublesome as you could be, 

you are not to hurt anyone in any way,

because you alone know how hard to be happy,

when you are living your life with ingenuity, 

and only you know how hard to fit in perfectly,

when fact is you are born to stand out bravely,

so let it just be only you to stand all the misery,

you are sad but everyone around must be happy. :) 

Happiness

What is happiness really is?

When I were in primary school,
happiness is when "Ayah" bought me an ice cream.
Happiness is when "Mak" made my favorite "bihun hailam".
Happiness is when I could skip the KAFA classes.
Happiness is when me and my brother could go to waterfall or swimming pool.
Happiness is when I could run free under the rain.
Happiness is when I could top the class.
Happiness is when I get 5 A in UPSR.
Happiness is when I could spend days after UPSR hanging out with friends.

When I were in lower form,
happiness is when they voted me to be "Penolong Ketua Tingkatan".
Happiness is when I were appointed as prefect.
Happiness is when I got a clique of best friends.
Happiness is when I fall in love with this guy.
Happiness is when I first started debating.
Happiness is when I became Head Facilitator for "Program Guru Muda".
Happiness is when I topped the whole form.
Happiness is when I got 8 A in PMR.
Happiness is the days I spent after PMR to help teachers and juniors.

When I got into higher form,
happiness is not when I were appointed as "Penolong Ketua Pengawas".
Happiness is not when I championed all public speaking competitions.
Happiness is not when they voted me to be President of Red Crescent.
Happiness is not when I got all the position I used to dream of being.
Happiness is not when I got 10 A in SPM.
Happiness is nothing.
Everything is nothing.

The fake smiles and the shallow joy,
the painful time I pretended to enjoy.
The high position and the huge responsibility,
those causing me tension instead of happy.
The friends that used to be hanging around,
are no longer anywhere to be found.
The one who pledged to be a loyal lover,
found someone else to say "I love you forever".
I used to be very confused of life. I am always asking myself "how does happy really feels?". I still remember the day my SPM's result was out. I could see those getting seven to eight As leaping with joy and screaming. Some were shedding tears of happiness.

But mine was a different story. I already knew my result early in the morning because the teachers informed me through phone. By the time I went to school and took my result, instead of feeling happy, I just think about getting into university. At that time, I realize that after 2 years of stress and isolation, I really had forgot about how happy should be.

Now that I am already in university, I finally know my definition of happiness. I am happy when people I love are happy. It sounds so cliche is it? But, trust me, I had not been more honest than this. After 19 years of living, I now realized that I were so happy when I got 5 A and 8 A in UPSR and PMR because my parents were happy. I were so happy back in my lower forms because I have many friends and they were courting each other.

I am now happy to hear people laughing. I am happy to see my friends smiling. :)

EMOTIONAL 2014

When I were first appointed as the prefect, my senior asked me to follow them doing spot checks at many classes including the higher form's classes. I just followed them and checked the bags yet out of the so many prefects in there, I were the one called as "gila kuasa" or power craved prefect. It is because of my face, people assumed I am arrogant and self - proud. The seniors hated me, the juniors avoided, my friends were there but none dared to being close with me because they were afraid of others' perceptions. I am so alone.

When I first start public speaking, I delivered a poem on the stage and people made fun of me for a whole year. Most of them are my brother's classmates. They made fun of me every single second that they see my face be it at the staircase, canteen or just anywhere. I were so humiliated that I shed tears every night after my father turned the lamp off. I am so sad.

When I first start emceeing an assembly, it was the beginning of the 2011's term. I had never become an emcee before and on that very first day of school, I were asked to go on stage with a script written less than an hour before. I did my best but my best is not "their best". I ended up being bashed in front of the whole prefects' organisation by a teacher at the canteen where even the non-prefects could hear her voice. I am so humiliated.

When I first have the gut to fight for what is right, I helped a friend who had been threaten by the school's gangster by bringing her straight to the Students' Affair office to meet the Senior Assistant Teacher. At the end, the gangster walked free because there was no evidence and I ended up being scolded for tarnishing one of the teacher's name because that incident involved her. I am so mad.

When I were first appointed as the PKP, (Head Prefects Assistant) my classmates threw flour and eggs everywhere to celebrate the birthday of one of them. I disagreed with their actions but I just walked away because the school's period had end and I had no power anymore. On the next day, I am the one called by the teachers to explain the chaos last evening. She saw I walked away, but why had her refused to admit it. As not to complicate matters, I took it as my responsibility and try to advise my friends. I ended up being hated by them. I am so depressed.

I am used to being hated. I am used to being misunderstood. I am used to being alone. I am used to all the bad rumors about me.

This time, even I need to go fight all the officers in this country for my right, I definitely would. It is because you promised to send me oversea that I dared to stop dreaming of becoming a lawyer and started to revise my SPM Chemistry textbook to prepare myself to be a pharmacist. I took that as fate. After all, I start to love chemistry now.

But, for you to let me live in this misery. For you to go against your words that our sponsor is to paid our rent, when fact is at last they told me that they never said such a thing to you. For you to suddenly said that you are not to care for our fees and not allowance, when you pledge otherwise in front of us during our registration.

Nobody understand why am I being so emotional. How could them? They are not the one whom parent work so hard to make ends meet. They are not the one, once told was awarded scholarship to study oversea, their parent went to laminate the offer letter and put in under their pillow.  My parents were hurt enough once that oversea program was cancelled, am I now to tell them that they still need to send me money despite me getting a scholarship? You were born with silver spoon and you would never understand the circumstances I had been through. You deserved no right to judge me.

If I am considered as rude for fighting for what I had been promised before,  I am more than willing to be isolated for the rest of my life. This is my life and I gave you no right to let this matter left unsolved. It had been 8 months, you are good at cheating. You are good at tricking people with your soft voice while I am seemed to be harsh, and loud. No matter how true I am, I would still be wrong in people's eyes. And even though I win at the end, people would still spread rumors about how rude I had been.

But, I don't care anymore. This is my life, I deserved every right to make my life right. If you are to back him, feels free to do so. If you are to be quiet and let me solve this matters for you, just continue doing so. If you are to assume I am such a rude girl whom deserved not to be your daughter-in-law, then I could not afford to change that view of yours.

You want to play safe? You don't want to get involved? 
That is so opinionated of you. Yes, you would be considered to be good while I am the one being bad. At the end, you would still get the benefits of the fight I had taken alone. How clever you are, you are to keep the good image of yours. How stupid I am, to go tarnishing my own good name for something that should had been "our responsibility". I tell you what, I don't care. This daughter of school's gardener and nursery teacher really could not afford to keep good name after 7 months of living with no allowances she had been promised before at a private uni right in the middle of Kuala Lumpur. If you are to be quiet and enjoy the benefits, you can remain quiet for the rest of your life. As for me, I say NO to living the life of a coward even though I am to live the rest of my life alone. This is my fight, I am to fight and I need not to explain myself ! I just want you to imagine living my life, and then you decide whether or not you would remain quiet and calm ! Because some big fat liar would only work their work once they knew this is someone they could not step on. 

THE END