When I were first appointed as the prefect, my senior asked me to follow them doing spot checks at many classes including the higher form's classes. I just followed them and checked the bags yet out of the so many prefects in there, I were the one called as "gila kuasa" or power craved prefect. It is because of my face, people assumed I am arrogant and self - proud. The seniors hated me, the juniors avoided, my friends were there but none dared to being close with me because they were afraid of others' perceptions. I am so alone.
When I first start public speaking, I delivered a poem on the stage and people made fun of me for a whole year. Most of them are my brother's classmates. They made fun of me every single second that they see my face be it at the staircase, canteen or just anywhere. I were so humiliated that I shed tears every night after my father turned the lamp off. I am so sad.
When I first start emceeing an assembly, it was the beginning of the 2011's term. I had never become an emcee before and on that very first day of school, I were asked to go on stage with a script written less than an hour before. I did my best but my best is not "their best". I ended up being bashed in front of the whole prefects' organisation by a teacher at the canteen where even the non-prefects could hear her voice. I am so humiliated.
When I first have the gut to fight for what is right, I helped a friend who had been threaten by the school's gangster by bringing her straight to the Students' Affair office to meet the Senior Assistant Teacher. At the end, the gangster walked free because there was no evidence and I ended up being scolded for tarnishing one of the teacher's name because that incident involved her. I am so mad.
When I were first appointed as the PKP, (Head Prefects Assistant) my classmates threw flour and eggs everywhere to celebrate the birthday of one of them. I disagreed with their actions but I just walked away because the school's period had end and I had no power anymore. On the next day, I am the one called by the teachers to explain the chaos last evening. She saw I walked away, but why had her refused to admit it. As not to complicate matters, I took it as my responsibility and try to advise my friends. I ended up being hated by them. I am so depressed.
I am used to being hated. I am used to being misunderstood. I am used to being alone. I am used to all the bad rumors about me.
This time, even I need to go fight all the officers in this country for my right, I definitely would. It is because you promised to send me oversea that I dared to stop dreaming of becoming a lawyer and started to revise my SPM Chemistry textbook to prepare myself to be a pharmacist. I took that as fate. After all, I start to love chemistry now.
But, for you to let me live in this misery. For you to go against your words that our sponsor is to paid our rent, when fact is at last they told me that they never said such a thing to you. For you to suddenly said that you are not to care for our fees and not allowance, when you pledge otherwise in front of us during our registration.
Nobody understand why am I being so emotional. How could them? They are not the one whom parent work so hard to make ends meet. They are not the one, once told was awarded scholarship to study oversea, their parent went to laminate the offer letter and put in under their pillow. My parents were hurt enough once that oversea program was cancelled, am I now to tell them that they still need to send me money despite me getting a scholarship? You were born with silver spoon and you would never understand the circumstances I had been through. You deserved no right to judge me.
If I am considered as rude for fighting for what I had been promised before, I am more than willing to be isolated for the rest of my life. This is my life and I gave you no right to let this matter left unsolved. It had been 8 months, you are good at cheating. You are good at tricking people with your soft voice while I am seemed to be harsh, and loud. No matter how true I am, I would still be wrong in people's eyes. And even though I win at the end, people would still spread rumors about how rude I had been.
But, I don't care anymore. This is my life, I deserved every right to make my life right. If you are to back him, feels free to do so. If you are to be quiet and let me solve this matters for you, just continue doing so. If you are to assume I am such a rude girl whom deserved not to be your daughter-in-law, then I could not afford to change that view of yours.
You want to play safe? You don't want to get involved?
That is so opinionated of you. Yes, you would be considered to be good while I am the one being bad. At the end, you would still get the benefits of the fight I had taken alone. How clever you are, you are to keep the good image of yours. How stupid I am, to go tarnishing my own good name for something that should had been "our responsibility". I tell you what, I don't care. This daughter of school's gardener and nursery teacher really could not afford to keep good name after 7 months of living with no allowances she had been promised before at a private uni right in the middle of Kuala Lumpur. If you are to be quiet and enjoy the benefits, you can remain quiet for the rest of your life. As for me, I say NO to living the life of a coward even though I am to live the rest of my life alone. This is my fight, I am to fight and I need not to explain myself ! I just want you to imagine living my life, and then you decide whether or not you would remain quiet and calm ! Because some big fat liar would only work their work once they knew this is someone they could not step on.
THE END
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