A Letter to My Future Self

Dear Zaihan in the future,

When you are reading this, it is most probably that you are facing the frequent hard days of a pharmacy's student. You might be feeling so tired and tensed up that all you want to to do is quitting your study. You might start to blame all the people who had not been supportive of you getting into law school before. You might start regretting your choice of study. You might feel guilty that you turned down the chance of leaving that you are now stuck in there. But, every time, every single time you are feeling like this, please do remember that ;

• You are the one deciding to stay there when you have got all the chances to leave. You are never brave enough to take a risk. You are the one too much of a coward that you are afraid to study a field you know would not guarantee you a cash rewarding career. Serve yourself right, chicken ! 
• Nothing is easy in this world. Do you think that with such a weak heart and passive attitude of yours, you are going to prevail in law school? Never ! Never ever think that you are going to do better elsewhere when you could not afford that even in here! Weaklings can't win! You are weak! Deal with your weakness and stop blaming the world for your failure! 
• Remember the way you are being treated all this while. People look at you as though you are the dirt on their shoes. They belittle you. They make fun of you. They never listen to what you have got to say. They always find your fault ! You are nothing ! Now, wake up, and prove it to them that you've got something so powerful in you, and that is the power of will ! You can't back off ! 
• Stop complaining ! Complains won't solve anything ! All those stupid lousy troublesome officers would still be there no matter how hard you bark at them. Trust me, if you want to change the system, you need to change yourself first. They're not going to listen to a kid no matter how right your words are. Prove it to them that your capability worth more than their responsibility which they always fail to carry out. 

You alone know that it is never going to be easy by the time you choose to be there. You made that decision and stick by that. You are always so proud to be a Malay Kedahan, then you should know that Kedahans never take their words back.

Stand Tall!

Stay Firm!

And, Prevails! Just Prevails !

ascsdaffa

Do you remember when I used to yell so loud at you? I threw away your things and deleted everything that could remind me of you.

Soon after, I started to miss you. Your voice, your texts, your presence seemed impossible to be threw away. I started feeling so guilty. I missed you so much.

But, you really dumped me. You found a new girl. Every time I saw you, she would be around. You even made sure that I would be seeing it when you are with her. Do you know how painful it was for me? I could feel my heart being pricked again and again. I tried not to feel anything but every time no one is watching, I would be crying. For the first time in my life, I learn the painful lessons of a broken heart.

I told myself that I need to forget you.

I need to be on my own.

After all, you were no longer there for me.

Years went on. I were close with most of my males friends. Simply because I like the no-fussy attitudes of them. Though some might assume that I am that desperate of boys.

Then one day, I looked up and there you are, a bag in your hand under the pouring rain. I gave you my umbrella, but you said you don't need it.

We went for a late lunch together. I waited for you to tell me why you were there. But you did not. And then I sent you off to the bus stop. You did not allow me to go further because it was raining. I watched you running under the rain with that bag covering your head and I swear that was the second time I fell in love. The first was when I saw you walking back from the bookstore, 7 years ago.

You have no idea what I have been through without you.
And I have no idea what you have been through without me.
I just want to love you again.
I want to feel the old eager feelings of waiting for your calls.
I want to be able to talk with you for hours.
I want to call you all those weird stupid names.
I want to freely express all those troubling thoughts inside me to you.
I want to love you. I really do.
But the old feelings won't come back.

I know this must end some days. We could not continue texting each other with dry languages and pretend like we care about each other.

I don't want to lose you. I love you. But, why does it feels so wrong?

Nerdy Reponds

I hate it when people are belittling me. I know that sounds so arrogant but as far as I could remember, I have never belittle anyone else either (unless they're the lazy, incompetent, hypocrite, irresponsible officers who troubled me). So, yeah, I am expected to be treated the way I treat people.

I hate it most when people are poking fun at the way I study. I mean like, for God sake, does it hurts your eyes to see me making my own notes? Do you need to be like;

"Why are you making the notes? Haven't you heard the lecturers telling us that they're not going to ask what's not in their slides? And it is just the beginning of the semester, why are you being so nerdy?"

The reason I need to make notes earlier is because I'm not as genius as you are *rolling eyes. I lost interest easily. And if I don't feel like studying, I won't even touch the books although the finals would be on the next day (that happened during my General Biology 2 final exam).

Furthermore, as far as I am concern, the purpose of studying is to gather knowledge. Not to test your ability in answering questions. Won't it be kinda a waste of time if you spend years in college just to pass exams without having any idea on what you are learning? Real world would not give you papers to fill in what you know in a given period of time, you need to practice it everyday for the rest of your life!

And people have different way of learning. If you are entitled the right to call me "Nerd" because I make my own notes, won't it make you a "Nerd" too for having a 100% attendance? Won't it make you a "Nerd" too for cramming a night before exams? Won't it make you a "Nerd" too for not participating in any extra activities? No?

I am tired of being silent. But, I am tired too of you sulking like retarded young adult every time I respond at your insults.

Why I don't Watch Koreans

I am an avid fan of Hong Kong TVB drama series. I waste most of my times watching the series online whenever I don't feel like studying (which means most of the times I have). I could even finish a whole series in 3 days by watching it from 7 am until 3 am. In other words, I am as much of a fanatic as those Korean lovers. I have a crush on Raymond Lam since I was in lower secondaries and I am very much into Kenneth Ma. Besides, I have always think that Linda Chung has everything a girl could only wish to have. 

I have also tried to watch Korean dramas before because someone persuaded me to. But, I really could not find the same feelings I have for TVB dramas. I don't like their voices and the way they pronounce words and I don't find their actors attractive at all. Please don't get me wrong, Koreans' males are definitely cute and adorable. But, I do find the idea of a male being "cute and adorable" as something quite peculiar and even if I have got kids of my own, I really don't want them to have a "cute and adorable" father. What I am trying to say is, could you imagine girls be like;

"Wei, tadi tu ayah kau ek?" 

"Ha'ah. Kenapa?"

"Comel sangat. Jambu gitu"

Like OMAIGOSHHHH, it sounds so wrong. 

Hurms

You bow while they wave,

You nod when they smile,

You look at the ground while they gazed at the sky,

And there they are, sneering at you ; “You should go out more. Socialize more. Stop living in a cocoon”

I ponder at all the events I’ve participated; nationals and states. I’ve even dine with some top government ministers. And then I realized, how the level of relationship nowadays had dropped to quantities not qualities. Socializing is now all about having a battalion of comrades to escort you in and out of classes. And being up to dates meaning you need to let go your cultures and identities. They say religion is more important than race; thus all the Malays are becoming more Arab than the Arabs themselves.

I am confused. Do you need to become an Arab in order to be a good Muslim? I thought race does not matters?

It is now easier to see people wearing “jubah” or “abaya” rather than “baju kurung”. The males say “jubah” are preferable because the Arabs wear them; yet most of the males never pull on any “jubah”. Ah, don’t you know? Clothes etiquette are only applicable to women? That is why a male wrestler in such a small piece of boxer is welcomed with cheers but female gymnasts would never be treated the same.

Perhaps, it is time to change.

Perhaps, it is time to stop judging.

Perhaps, it is time to stop telling people how to live their life.

Especially, when you yourselves have not done well with yours.