What is happiness really is?
When I were in primary school,
happiness is when "Ayah" bought me an ice cream.
Happiness is when "Mak" made my favorite "bihun hailam".
Happiness is when I could skip the KAFA classes.
Happiness is when me and my brother could go to waterfall or swimming pool.
Happiness is when I could run free under the rain.
Happiness is when I could top the class.
Happiness is when I get 5 A in UPSR.
Happiness is when I could spend days after UPSR hanging out with friends.
When I were in lower form,
happiness is when they voted me to be "Penolong Ketua Tingkatan".
Happiness is when I were appointed as prefect.
Happiness is when I got a clique of best friends.
Happiness is when I fall in love with this guy.
Happiness is when I first started debating.
Happiness is when I became Head Facilitator for "Program Guru Muda".
Happiness is when I topped the whole form.
Happiness is when I got 8 A in PMR.
Happiness is the days I spent after PMR to help teachers and juniors.
When I got into higher form,
happiness is not when I were appointed as "Penolong Ketua Pengawas".
Happiness is not when I championed all public speaking competitions.
Happiness is not when they voted me to be President of Red Crescent.
Happiness is not when I got all the position I used to dream of being.
Happiness is not when I got 10 A in SPM.
Happiness is nothing.
Everything is nothing.
The fake smiles and the shallow joy,
the painful time I pretended to enjoy.
The high position and the huge responsibility,
those causing me tension instead of happy.
The friends that used to be hanging around,
are no longer anywhere to be found.
The one who pledged to be a loyal lover,
found someone else to say "I love you forever".
I used to be very confused of life. I am always asking myself "how does happy really feels?". I still remember the day my SPM's result was out. I could see those getting seven to eight As leaping with joy and screaming. Some were shedding tears of happiness.
But mine was a different story. I already knew my result early in the morning because the teachers informed me through phone. By the time I went to school and took my result, instead of feeling happy, I just think about getting into university. At that time, I realize that after 2 years of stress and isolation, I really had forgot about how happy should be.
Now that I am already in university, I finally know my definition of happiness. I am happy when people I love are happy. It sounds so cliche is it? But, trust me, I had not been more honest than this. After 19 years of living, I now realized that I were so happy when I got 5 A and 8 A in UPSR and PMR because my parents were happy. I were so happy back in my lower forms because I have many friends and they were courting each other.
I am now happy to hear people laughing. I am happy to see my friends smiling. :)
Friday, January 16, 2015
Friday, January 2, 2015
EMOTIONAL 2014
When I were first appointed as the prefect, my senior asked me to follow them doing spot checks at many classes including the higher form's classes. I just followed them and checked the bags yet out of the so many prefects in there, I were the one called as "gila kuasa" or power craved prefect. It is because of my face, people assumed I am arrogant and self - proud. The seniors hated me, the juniors avoided, my friends were there but none dared to being close with me because they were afraid of others' perceptions. I am so alone.
When I first start public speaking, I delivered a poem on the stage and people made fun of me for a whole year. Most of them are my brother's classmates. They made fun of me every single second that they see my face be it at the staircase, canteen or just anywhere. I were so humiliated that I shed tears every night after my father turned the lamp off. I am so sad.
When I first start emceeing an assembly, it was the beginning of the 2011's term. I had never become an emcee before and on that very first day of school, I were asked to go on stage with a script written less than an hour before. I did my best but my best is not "their best". I ended up being bashed in front of the whole prefects' organisation by a teacher at the canteen where even the non-prefects could hear her voice. I am so humiliated.
When I first have the gut to fight for what is right, I helped a friend who had been threaten by the school's gangster by bringing her straight to the Students' Affair office to meet the Senior Assistant Teacher. At the end, the gangster walked free because there was no evidence and I ended up being scolded for tarnishing one of the teacher's name because that incident involved her. I am so mad.
When I were first appointed as the PKP, (Head Prefects Assistant) my classmates threw flour and eggs everywhere to celebrate the birthday of one of them. I disagreed with their actions but I just walked away because the school's period had end and I had no power anymore. On the next day, I am the one called by the teachers to explain the chaos last evening. She saw I walked away, but why had her refused to admit it. As not to complicate matters, I took it as my responsibility and try to advise my friends. I ended up being hated by them. I am so depressed.
I am used to being hated. I am used to being misunderstood. I am used to being alone. I am used to all the bad rumors about me.
This time, even I need to go fight all the officers in this country for my right, I definitely would. It is because you promised to send me oversea that I dared to stop dreaming of becoming a lawyer and started to revise my SPM Chemistry textbook to prepare myself to be a pharmacist. I took that as fate. After all, I start to love chemistry now.
But, for you to let me live in this misery. For you to go against your words that our sponsor is to paid our rent, when fact is at last they told me that they never said such a thing to you. For you to suddenly said that you are not to care for our fees and not allowance, when you pledge otherwise in front of us during our registration.
Nobody understand why am I being so emotional. How could them? They are not the one whom parent work so hard to make ends meet. They are not the one, once told was awarded scholarship to study oversea, their parent went to laminate the offer letter and put in under their pillow. My parents were hurt enough once that oversea program was cancelled, am I now to tell them that they still need to send me money despite me getting a scholarship? You were born with silver spoon and you would never understand the circumstances I had been through. You deserved no right to judge me.
If I am considered as rude for fighting for what I had been promised before, I am more than willing to be isolated for the rest of my life. This is my life and I gave you no right to let this matter left unsolved. It had been 8 months, you are good at cheating. You are good at tricking people with your soft voice while I am seemed to be harsh, and loud. No matter how true I am, I would still be wrong in people's eyes. And even though I win at the end, people would still spread rumors about how rude I had been.
But, I don't care anymore. This is my life, I deserved every right to make my life right. If you are to back him, feels free to do so. If you are to be quiet and let me solve this matters for you, just continue doing so. If you are to assume I am such a rude girl whom deserved not to be your daughter-in-law, then I could not afford to change that view of yours.
You want to play safe? You don't want to get involved?
That is so opinionated of you. Yes, you would be considered to be good while I am the one being bad. At the end, you would still get the benefits of the fight I had taken alone. How clever you are, you are to keep the good image of yours. How stupid I am, to go tarnishing my own good name for something that should had been "our responsibility". I tell you what, I don't care. This daughter of school's gardener and nursery teacher really could not afford to keep good name after 7 months of living with no allowances she had been promised before at a private uni right in the middle of Kuala Lumpur. If you are to be quiet and enjoy the benefits, you can remain quiet for the rest of your life. As for me, I say NO to living the life of a coward even though I am to live the rest of my life alone. This is my fight, I am to fight and I need not to explain myself ! I just want you to imagine living my life, and then you decide whether or not you would remain quiet and calm ! Because some big fat liar would only work their work once they knew this is someone they could not step on.
THE END
When I first start public speaking, I delivered a poem on the stage and people made fun of me for a whole year. Most of them are my brother's classmates. They made fun of me every single second that they see my face be it at the staircase, canteen or just anywhere. I were so humiliated that I shed tears every night after my father turned the lamp off. I am so sad.
When I first start emceeing an assembly, it was the beginning of the 2011's term. I had never become an emcee before and on that very first day of school, I were asked to go on stage with a script written less than an hour before. I did my best but my best is not "their best". I ended up being bashed in front of the whole prefects' organisation by a teacher at the canteen where even the non-prefects could hear her voice. I am so humiliated.
When I first have the gut to fight for what is right, I helped a friend who had been threaten by the school's gangster by bringing her straight to the Students' Affair office to meet the Senior Assistant Teacher. At the end, the gangster walked free because there was no evidence and I ended up being scolded for tarnishing one of the teacher's name because that incident involved her. I am so mad.
When I were first appointed as the PKP, (Head Prefects Assistant) my classmates threw flour and eggs everywhere to celebrate the birthday of one of them. I disagreed with their actions but I just walked away because the school's period had end and I had no power anymore. On the next day, I am the one called by the teachers to explain the chaos last evening. She saw I walked away, but why had her refused to admit it. As not to complicate matters, I took it as my responsibility and try to advise my friends. I ended up being hated by them. I am so depressed.
I am used to being hated. I am used to being misunderstood. I am used to being alone. I am used to all the bad rumors about me.
This time, even I need to go fight all the officers in this country for my right, I definitely would. It is because you promised to send me oversea that I dared to stop dreaming of becoming a lawyer and started to revise my SPM Chemistry textbook to prepare myself to be a pharmacist. I took that as fate. After all, I start to love chemistry now.
But, for you to let me live in this misery. For you to go against your words that our sponsor is to paid our rent, when fact is at last they told me that they never said such a thing to you. For you to suddenly said that you are not to care for our fees and not allowance, when you pledge otherwise in front of us during our registration.
Nobody understand why am I being so emotional. How could them? They are not the one whom parent work so hard to make ends meet. They are not the one, once told was awarded scholarship to study oversea, their parent went to laminate the offer letter and put in under their pillow. My parents were hurt enough once that oversea program was cancelled, am I now to tell them that they still need to send me money despite me getting a scholarship? You were born with silver spoon and you would never understand the circumstances I had been through. You deserved no right to judge me.
If I am considered as rude for fighting for what I had been promised before, I am more than willing to be isolated for the rest of my life. This is my life and I gave you no right to let this matter left unsolved. It had been 8 months, you are good at cheating. You are good at tricking people with your soft voice while I am seemed to be harsh, and loud. No matter how true I am, I would still be wrong in people's eyes. And even though I win at the end, people would still spread rumors about how rude I had been.
But, I don't care anymore. This is my life, I deserved every right to make my life right. If you are to back him, feels free to do so. If you are to be quiet and let me solve this matters for you, just continue doing so. If you are to assume I am such a rude girl whom deserved not to be your daughter-in-law, then I could not afford to change that view of yours.
You want to play safe? You don't want to get involved?
That is so opinionated of you. Yes, you would be considered to be good while I am the one being bad. At the end, you would still get the benefits of the fight I had taken alone. How clever you are, you are to keep the good image of yours. How stupid I am, to go tarnishing my own good name for something that should had been "our responsibility". I tell you what, I don't care. This daughter of school's gardener and nursery teacher really could not afford to keep good name after 7 months of living with no allowances she had been promised before at a private uni right in the middle of Kuala Lumpur. If you are to be quiet and enjoy the benefits, you can remain quiet for the rest of your life. As for me, I say NO to living the life of a coward even though I am to live the rest of my life alone. This is my fight, I am to fight and I need not to explain myself ! I just want you to imagine living my life, and then you decide whether or not you would remain quiet and calm ! Because some big fat liar would only work their work once they knew this is someone they could not step on.
THE END
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