Self Declaration for Friends

Dear friends,

If you have found this blog and read all of the previous entries, you might find out that I have been grumbling about many things. I grumbled a lot about the irresponsible officer, the fake promises, and there were times I were grumbling about you guys too.

Frankly speaking, I have been thinking about deleting such entries. There are times I feel like I should edit all of the previous post. But I didn't. What if you have read it before I delete it? Won't it be just like trying to erase what that have been written by a pen? Won't you see me as more of a hypocrite?

But do you know why I want to delete such entries? It is because that is not how I view you now. The old entries were what I thought of you guys at that particular time. I'm sorry. I'm born not to be always right, and about you guys, I must admit that I were wrong. You guys are none of what I've thought before.

I am sorry. That was what I thought, but it is definitely not what I am thinking about you guys now. I am sorry. Please clarify. Please stop the distancing.

I am sorry.

I am sorry.

I am sorry.

I take the distancing as a punishment for my previous judgmental opinion. I have no right to ask you to stop running away. No, I am not asking or ordering. I am begging.

Please

I am sorry.

Bringing Back The Bookworm in Me

For me, reading had been a long forgotten passion. The last book that I really enjoy reading is A Doctor in The House by Tun Mahathir Mohamad. And that was 2 years ago! I used to be able to spend hours reading. Back in my school years, I usually had lunch with a book in my other hand. Now, I dine while watching movies. LOLS ! I have become someone so shallow that my 17 years old me once vowed not to be. And the worse thing is, I have stopped reading daily newspapers since I started degree! 

So I have been thinking about this for quite a while until this morning where it struck me that

I couldn't continue being like this !!!!!!

They say the soul who stop reading is a dead soul. I guess it is true and I guess it is now the time to make a change. So the plan is I will start blogging about the book I read.

1 book a day. 

Longest Entry Ever !

I have never been slim in my whole life. Most of the times, I would be struggling to keep my BMI in the normal range and it was during the last 2 years of my secondary school that I failed miserably to do so. I reached my highest weight in form 5, 79 kg for a teenage Asian girl with only 159 cm height. Man, I was so huge, I couldn’t even fit into my dad’s uniform! But, I’ve got my parents to comfort me;

“You’re not fat. You’ve just got a big frame. My late grandma was like you too. Perhaps, you have got her gene”

And all my lives, I keep believing that I am born to be this way. After all, they say body’s size will not hold you from success as long as you keep believing in yourself. But, maintaining such a positive insight when you couldn’t do many normal physical things was never easy. However, form 5 never hurt my self-confidence as much as the following days after SPM did. I were the top student who have been getting straight As since the very first exam and who went on to become the only Malay in my district who got straight As in SPM, I were the sharp English debater whom the teachers always avoided to punish even though I really did not mind them doing so if I am guilty (just that you know, its’ hard to prove that I’m guilty unless you’ve got reliable living witness’ testament and solid evidence. LOLS), and they made me Head Girl and President of Red Crescent and Vice President of Chess Club. So I thought, this people really believe in me. I am capable. I don’t need to slim down just to get their trust. 

After SPM, my parents sent me for driving classes. That was when the first mental torture begin, I was scolded and humiliated like a primary kid. Something that nobody ever did to me for all my lives. Not even when I was in primary! And unlike the many other times where I could retort back spontaneously, I were silent. I fought back my tears and just continue the class. I couldn’t find a solid argument to fight back because all he was saying about my body size is true. Later I found out that my friend who was attended by the same instructor was never been even yelled at. You might say that “you might be a lousy driver”. Well, I passed my driving test on my first trial and that friend of mine failed. I brushed off all those assumptions of “He hate me. He hate me just because I am fat”, thinking that he just want to provoke the best out of me. But really, some of his mental tortures and yells are something that I couldn’t even bring my fingers to type.

After SPM’s result was out, I was sent to a National Service camp in Wang Kelian, Perlis. The camp was on the top of a hill that we were transferred from the bus who picked us up from the gathering place to a military truck in order to reach that camp because the road there was too haphazard. One of the guy who picked my luggage be like; “No wonder your bag is so big. It follows its’ owner’s size”. There, we were weighed once again. I were 75.6 kg. Still, first class obesity. But all of the instructors and friends there are very kind except for the first girl who sit beside me on the bus. I didn’t stayed long at the camp as I’ve got too many scholarships’ interviews that require me to fly to KL, Selangor and Penang. UM, MayBank, JPA, MARA, IPG, and the numbers of days I need to excuse myself from the camp exceeded the maximum 14 days of absents. So, I was asked to postpone my training. Yes, that is only 5 interviews. But, there is not only one stage for each interview. And the case with my camp which is very close to the Thailand’s border, the only communication available is through fax machine. I need to go home just to do the online examination.

However, I learnt a lot of fitness tips during my 2 weeks there. I learnt planking, push-ups, pull-ups, squats, and many other things a kampung girl would never know. So, I practiced them all at home. By the time I started at UCSI under MARA scholarship in June 2014, I weighed 71.8 kg. But still, I were that fat and dark Kedah’s girl. You see, one thing about a Cancer (zodiac) people like me, we sensed emotions exceptionally well. And in my case, I could see how the first 3 out of the 4 seniors we met for the orientation purposes do not really like me. Yeah I know…

“That’s just your feelings!” 

It is not just a feeling when you went to the washroom to wash your hands, and there was only you and a senior in there, and you asked her how to turn on the tap but she did not replied and just rushed out. It hurts.

I tried to be kind to some people, but obviously they just didn’t like it. I don’t know. It is hard to accept that you are so worthless that some people don’t even want your kindness. I ate a lot to satisfy myself and also to follow my mother’s advice of; “You don’t know how to cook. So, eat a lot once you went to the eateries. Remember to eat lots of rice too, it is more fulfilling. It will be troublesome if you get hungry during the night time when all of the stalls are closed” By the time I finished my first semester in August 2014, I weighed 76 kg! I went home feeling stressed. And there is this one friend of mine back in my hometown who could not stopped taking my picture. I thought she was being nice and sweet. It was only later that I found out how she and some of our friends are laughing like crazy at my pictures. It was that time that I started to hate camera.

September 2014, I was still 76 kg. It was also the semester where our YPPB’s scholars friends registered in. I met one of them who went on to be the most harsh but kind-hearted good male friend of mine. We went for a lunch at the newly opened Subway restaurant, and he openly told me to lose my weight. Yes you get it right. He didn’t throw cynics, he didn’t deserted me, he just sit and sincerely say “I think you need to lose weight if you want to keep that boyfriend of yours. If you keep on being like this, he will definitely ditched you. Why don’t you started by eating less rice and more protein?” So, the serious conversation rolled in and I tried his advice, although Norish would keep telling me to eat more rice every time we went to Inna, LOLS! But, his advices seems to work well. By December 2014, I weighed 69 kg. That was quite an achievement!

During the September 2014 semester too, I have a bickering with our director of sponsored students’ team. Actually, there is something between me and him that none of my friends know. I must admit, other than the scholarships’ issues, I do have a prejudice against him. He indirectly told me I am ugly. He looked at my mother’s picture in her Identification Card’s copy which I attached in the scholarship’s contract, and said “How come your mother are quite nice looking while you are…” He did not finished his sentence. But, of course we all know that “extremely good looking” really did not fits the end of the sentence well. So yeah, I hated him for telling me I am ugly in front of Norish (although I didn't know she heard it or not as she has an amazingly rigid stony face). I mean like, you can condemn me for being fat as I am the one choosing not to take care of my diet, but you can’t call me ugly! I didn’t choose to look the way I look! And that is when this old man who is older than my father tops my list of “The Most Hated Person in My Life”. Being someone who could still vividly recall the moment my Year 6 Math teacher hit me for something I didn’t do, I bet this officer and his words would remain in my memory forever. And as much as I tried not to care, the words keep lingering in my minds, making me more timid and shy than ever. I feel like I have failed my mother for not being as beautiful as she is. I am her only daughter yet I look worse than my brothers are. At that time, I couldn’t help hating myself more than I hate this officer.

                January 2015, I stayed at library most of the time because I want to get the highest GPA possible to smack that officer right on the face. LOLS! It was a joke. I won’t do that. But really, I want to prove to him that I am not a nobody. I studied most of the times, I forgot to eat. And unless Norish be urging me, I might not eat for the entire day. Thanks God I have got her as my roommate. Nearing the end of the semester, I could no longer wear my old pants because they would all fall off. So April 2015, I am 62 kg ! And my GPA for that semester is 3.88. It was not a revenge or anything, I just want that officer to know that not all fat people are lazy. I remembered he pointed to me and say
"There was one JPA girl who got warning letter for her poor result. She is as fat as you are"

Back in the village, I exercised regularly and right before I went for ASEAN Ted Talks on May of that year, I was 59 kg! However, I realised that my self-confidence did not increase as much as the decrease in my weight. I no longer know how to strike up a conversation. And by the times someone tried to approach me, I was unable to keep on the conversation. Especially if I caught them having their eyes on my body instead of my face during the first “Hi!” It feels like they are judging me. And I would be going to the toilet again to check whether I looked too fat in the full suit! I became reclusive and anxious.

                But I know I couldn’t stay this way. A kind friend is now distancing herself. Knowing her well, I know she is the type who does not like to be attached. So if she is now distancing herself from me, that means I have turned into a clingy jerk. I don’t blame her. I too used to hate clingy people when I was at the top of my school before. Just that now, I’m at the bottom. So, it’s time to get a grip. I am planning to lose some 5 kg more during this semester break, improve my communication skills and English pronunciations, and be active! I never ran in a marathon, I never even participated in my school’s cross-country event. LOLS! But the idea has been fascinating me for quite a while now. Seeing Arlene going on the podium sends electric pulses throughout my whole body. So, yeah, I guess I will start running!  

We have been friends for 10 years and I have spent the previous 8 years falling for you. You're a very nice guy, you have been nice with all the girls in the school. In facts, I think you have been acting sweet and charming with all the girls you have met that sometimes I couldn't stop pondering how many more girls had been trapped by your charms and ended up like me.

Many of us might have experience how hard it feels to make a choice in life. We travel along this path named life, having to decide on almost everything from what to eat to what we want to be in the future. Career, lifestyles, studies; these are the things that we always have to choose. And speaking about life, there exists such things as white and black. But, they are not the only things. Sometimes, yet most of the times, grey would be stuck in the middle. Having no boundaries, only your choice could determine how much of the black territories that the grey is taking and otherwise. That is how hard making decision is.

But, do you know that it is harder when you have no choice? No black or white or grey or any other intermediaries colors from that stupid turquoise to the infamous magenta who always annoy the hell out of you every time you asked your friends to help buying the blue and red wrapping papers. Do you know how I wish this feeling could fade as time goes by ? Yet, it is getting stronger no matter how hard I try.

I threw away all the things you gave me, I deleted the only picture of us back in our Form 2, I went on from the secluded me to some other person who jokes around and teases people. I want to forget you. I really do.

And then, you came back. Travelling far with heavy luggage and humongous backpack. Got down at LRT Cheras, fooled by the taxi's driver who sent you to my condo's back gate. It was pouring heavily when you arrived at the guardhouse there, where the guards won't let you in. So, again, carrying the luggage, you went climbing the stairs beside to get to the front door.

I tried to act cool. Pretending like you're a kind old friend who came to visit. Everything went normal until that time when I bid you farewell. Watching you running under the rain beside the McD with the bag raised high under your head, I felt a sharp feeling of pain. Like I'm losing something inside myself. I never felt that way. You know, that feeling like your heart is dropping, pulling together all the organs inside your peritoneum cavity down to the abdominopelvic.

Couldn't you just let me to be at peace?
Why did every time I am happy with my life, you need to come haunting like a ghost from the past? Why did every time your image is fading, you would come paying me a visit?

Stop coming back. You don't know how does it feels dating someone who always have his eyes on your prettier best friends. You don't know how does it feels when he always find better, prettier girls to be with and only when he is bored, he came back to you ! You know how does it feels to always be the last choice on his list?

You hated him so much yet you hate yourself more for not being able to delete him off your history.

You have been tough all your life.

You have been strong all your life.