Unconscious Bias

Dear sisters and brothers, citizens of the same planet earth. Thank you for making my introduction sounds so lame. =="

Have you ever feel the feeling of caring so much for a person that never seems to care?

Because I did. Yeah, I did. How else do you think I become this emotionless when it comes to human - human relationship ; be it friendship, love or even distant family members? 

I do believe that this so called unconscious bias exists. Somebody is going to favor you for some reasons, and somebody else might be hating you for the exact same reasons. Even you yourself might unconsciously prefer and dislike someone for how they look, behave, speak, etc.

Why does this happens? Is it true that everyone is born with the sense of prejudice? How does the word "judgmental" first entered our dictionary? Who created it? Is it natural to love someone for his physical or personality? Is it natural to avoid being close with someone although he or she did you no sins? 

We know that it is wrong to be judgmental, yet we all are. 

I never know that judgmental could cause so much pain.

Not until I am the one drowned in disdain.

Judgmental means bias. The case is whether you are fully conscious with it or not. It has something to do with the concept of perception and familiarity. Everyone of us grow up in different environment. Be it materially or culturally. We develop different senses of morality.

Some of us might consider it is a norm to speak harshly while some might not. 

Some might think that cursing implies a very bad image of one's upbringing while the others might have all-curses-available in their daily conversations.

Some might find it is normal to borrow a friend's money when others are taught to never put money in the lines of friendship.

And I would never know that some people use "aku - hang" or "aku - kau" with their parents and never find it is rude to do so. Because in my family, using the pronoun "aku" with any of the family members, older or younger, would earns you a smack on the hand.

When we go to the outside world and meet people we have never met before, this difference in moral senses would cause the uncomfortable feelings thus triggering our mind to warn the body not to be close with that particular person. It might not be as natural as our afferent, efferent or inter neurons in the case of reflex,but it is what stored in the brain. It is a complex relation of neocortex which stored our previous encounters and experiences with the lymphatic brain that controls the feelings. And as much as we can't control our adrenal glands when a dog is chasing us with its scary sharp teeth, so couldn't we when it comes to building first perception. 

Now, if you can't control yourself from being judgmental then what should you do? Just keep it in your mind. Make sure you don't show it to that person. You know how hard it is to act normal in front of a person who is clearly hinting that he dislikes you? You know how painful it is to stand his gaze, his smirks, his words? Especially when you first have a very good expectation of him. 

You know. It is okay not to like the loud people. It is fine to stay away from those who like to curse. It is normal to avoid being close with clingy people. In your personal dictionary of morality and etiquette, they might be bad. But, no matter how bad someone is, everyone is born good at something. And who knows, you are going to need her help one day? 

Who knows that the clingy juniors you hated for always tailing you around would be voting to have you stay when the others did not? 

Who knows that the loud friend you stay-way-from for always criticizing and complaining would be the one standing, proudly fighting the world for you? 

Who knows that the trouble-maker, the school's hooligan you once discriminated against would be the one to first offer help when you are at the lowest point of your life? 

Who knows that the nerd looking boy in your class who always scare the hell out of you that you would rather skip class than sitting next to him would be the one helping to get back your hacked Facebook account? 

Who knows that the boy you called "fatso" would be the one donating his blood to you. 

We do not know. Nobody knows what future holds. 

It is okay to have perceptions.  

Just don't let your perceptions control your emotion and influence your action.

It okay to have unconscious bias.
But, try not to consciously demonstrate to people how contempt you feel about them.

Never hurt the feeling of innocent people. The wheel is always rotating and you might end up in  their place someday. 

So, just be kind. Always. 

p/s: All the events mentioned in this post is my own experience. Sometimes I am the one hating, some other times I am the one hated. You may start to classify them all. *winks 

Money $$$

Life had been going on very slowly after I finished my foundation. Speaking about my pre-university study, Alhamdulillah I passed the minimum CGPA required to get into the pharmacy degree. Next week would be the interview session. I am really praying that I would get it because frankly speaking, there is no where else I could go to. 

Most of the times, I am expecting a peaceful degree life, that everything would go on well, that I could spend everyday studying and lazying around. But, I know that it would never be such things. There would be frequent calls and emails to first get the allowances. What freaking me much is what if the same thing happened during foundation would repeat itself during degree? What if we are not allowed to sit for final? Or what if we need to pay the fee ourselves first? How could I even afford it? Couldn't I just stop bringing troubles to my family *sighhh

I thought I have land myself in a comfortable situation with a scholarship's contract. Never would I have known that this contract could tie me to the ground someday, the days when I feel like flying and soaring high. 

I hate to make my parents worry about me.

Some people do not understand this. 

They think I am money oriented. 

That a check worth only 2k could send me shouting at someone old enough to be my grandfather. 

Those who grow up with me would know that I would not let mostly everyone to buy me foods. I don't take presents during my birthday. I insisted to pay for that one bite of food from their plate. 

I grow up, firmly believed that once you owe someone, you are going to feel indebted to him or her forever. That, this later could cost you your just personality. 

I don't take people's money. 

I might be poor. But, not in term of dignity. 

I am just fighting for my right. For what I had been promised. 

I just want everyone to do their job responsibly. How hard could that be? After all, you are going to be answering Him someday. 

I don't take people's money. But, it does not mean money is of no importance to me. I just want enough. Those who had been my students would know that I would only impose fee on them when I am really broke. 

I need money for food. I need money for assurance. I need my own money because I don't want to continue being a burden. 

I thought a scholar could give me money.

And giving money they did. Only that you need to beg shamelessly until you finally give up and call your parents. AGAIN.. 

I am not that money-craze. I never dream of being rich pun. I just want to study, do charity works and make my parents happy. But, how can I do that when every single time, there would be problems in either allowances or payment of fees? 

And, people would just be "Chillaxx... just money issue.. no need to be that mad.."